Tag Archives: time

Thank you mom and dad

Just wanted to take some time out of my already scarce amount of sleep to state firmly and boldly:

Thank you to all those parents who are now grandparents helping with the care of their grandkids – even for a while.

I know you will only do what you think is best for my baby because you love them as much as you love me. If not more. (Who am I kidding, definitely more.)
You have given me some time for myself, to think, to compose my emotions, to rest, to pretend I am a kid again and go on crazy theme park rides.
You have given us shared experiences we can all reminisce about. You now also know what is "behind the scenes" when taking care of "this cutie".
You have given me an idea of what you were like when I was little, the time I can't remember anything of. I now understand a little more of what you had to go through and how different you must have been when we were young.
You have provided us some distance so I have the luxury of perspective to renew, persevere and be better.

So thank you! Thank you for your unconditional love, your generosity and the deep well of energy you draw from (Grandmas more than Granddads specifically here). I know how hard it is and I appreciate how much more demanding it must be on you physically.

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The Longest 3 Months

I still can’t believe it was only 3 months. I swear it was longer than that. It’s like being in a new relationship and not realizing that you’ve passed the 6 month mark when it feels like you’ve just gotten to know each other. No wait, that’s a good thing. This, isn’t.

Well, kinda isn’t. 

I found a place where I got the opportunity to stretch my abilities and learn, so that’s good; I realized where my interests and strengths seemed to lie and a way to put them to some use, so that’s good. 

On the flipside, the team is not what I thought it was, I’m spending some weekends doing work I couldn’t get done during the week, I feel like I haven’t had a weekend in months. In 3 months to be exact. Things are chaotic, messy, exciting because it’s a time of change, but the team doesn’t have ownership of that change and most of them just feel they are there for the ride and leaves the driving seat empty. Things are  unnecessarily complicated with overdrawn discussions that lead nowhere and my initial enthusiasm is quickly draining like the rapidly depleting natural resources.

So…. as you can tell, I’ve been busy. Unfortunately not busy blogging. Not that I don’t think about you, dear readers and the flailing life of my blog itself, but these darn ideas just come at the weirdest times – when I’m in the shower; on the porcelain throne; when I’m lying in bed at 1am at night, and up till now I have not found the discipline to stop whatever I was doing to write a note.

And honestly, I’m just dead tired. Hats off to all of you who do such great posts so consistently. I aspire to do so. It might be the only way to keep my sanity, although I do hate a post about “work”.

Don’t ruin this perfect world of mine.

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The Art of Procrastination

The Art of Procrastination. I think I’ve perfected it.

 

1. Before starting on my work, check all email accounts. I’m sure there’s an email I need to respond to or haven’t read properly.

2. Read my favorite blogs on WordPress and then just explore those Freshly Pressed. Add new blogs to those I’m following. I should start on my work but,

3. I should update myself on real-world happenings first! So, I read the news. While reading, Google the tangential issues that peaked my interest. 40 minutes later…

4. Check my email again. Maybe something came in when I wasn’t looking. I’ll start doing stuff in a few minutes, I promise.

5. Oooh an email notification from Facebook. Login to Facebook to find out more, read my news feed for a dose of gossip.

6. Finally pull myself together to write a list of what I aim to do today before realizing that it is already 5pm.

7. Since its close to dinner time, I psyche myself into a state of potential hunger and keep my mind occupied with thoughts of food, or dinner-time TV.

8. Say something motivating and purposeful like, “That’s it, I’m knuckling down to do all these things on this list after dinner and the new episode of The Mentalist which starts at 8:30pm.

9. I follow step 8 through and at 9:30pm, after Mentalist, the warm bed looks real attractive.

10. The cycle willingly repeats itself.

Kids, don’t try this at home.

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Multitasking Madness

I’ve got 29 tabs open in my browser and every 2 minutes something else pops into mind and my mouse heads towards the “+” icon to ‘Open a New Tab’!! What is wrong with me?!

  • I want to blog about some story ideas I had
  • I have some job applications to submit
  • Need to do some research on companies for a kick-ass job application
  • Thinking about (and googling) recipe ideas for the leftover kiwi in my pantry
  • Feeling a little frustrated and want to blog about the fuzz that’s growing in my mind and a growing hunger in my belly as it draws closer to dinner time…

Stop!

I took a breath and opened WordPress, but got distracted by reading the posts from some of my favorite bloggers.
Wait, what was I trying to do?
Closed WordPress.
As I berate myself mentally, I realize the pantry is just a few steps away.
Mmm a cookie would taste so good right now.

I should grab one.
But it’s too close to dinner. Or is it?
Images of the Tim Tams I bought tempted me further into the sweet, sweet embrace of my pantry and all its treasures.
A mental battle ensues.
One that logic wins.
Defeated, I grab the thing nearest to me.
My cup – and took a sip of water.
It tasted nothing like the sweet sensation of chocolate.

Searching for a distraction, I looked back at my screen and clicked on a random tab.
It was a job opening I was interested in.
Re-read it.
It was a website I had never seen before, asking for my resume and contact details.
I wondered if they were legit.
Opened a new tab to research on the jobbing website.

It was taking some time to load.

Re-opened WordPress.
Clicked on “New Post”.
Maybe I could try to get a post in while it was loading.
I had some ideas on what to blog, hmmm….
My stomach growls.

I’m hungry, it’s dinner time.
Or close to it.
Everything else will have to wait.

Just for a little while.

My Tim Tam Stash

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This State of Mind

This weekend started out busy.
I had friends over for dinner on Friday and Sunday and was excited, yet a little worried that my amateur cooking would be less than edible.

It’s Monday now, and I spent most of the weekend, and today, sorting through my email.
Well, to clarify, trying to delete my Hotmail accounts.

I’m not sure how many of you use Hotmail, but here’s a low-down:

  • It gives the impression I’m using a 56k modem when it loads
  • I constantly get a frozen page and have to smack the “F5” key in anger, several times
  • Sometimes I can’t even get to the login page
  • Their help files are of no help

It wasn’t always like that, which explains why I have a lot of legacy emails I did not want to lose in that account. Saving you the dramatic, time-wasting blah blah blah, let’s just say I finally managed to use my Yahoo account to sort it out.

It then became necessary to look through my emails that dated back to 2004 (I like my email accounts organised and clean). After an hour of quick skimming and occasional tearing, I realized I had an actual record of my past.

Not in a diary, not a forced record or one based on fallible memories, but a spontaneous one, of the most important interactions I had with my immediate and extended family over email, which was a little more in depth than what social media, like Facebook, facilitates.

It took me back to the time when we were organizing the extended family trip and had to charter a school bus to the airport, to the time when I had an argument with my Aunt, to the period when my grandma was sick.

It made me realize how much our relationships and interactions have changed.
It made me realize I used to be so close to some people and how we have changed, how some people who play such a big part in my life now weren’t even there 8 years ago.
It made me realize how I used to write and our particular state of minds.

It’s amazing how much is truly exchanged.

p/s: I tried to find a picture of my extended family trip but couldn’t find it! I’m devastated!!!

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Mind the Gap

I really like waiting for trains.
I just realized this as I was typing it.

Yeah it’s pretty fun just standing there, or sitting if I’m tired, with my headphones in, listening to my favorite tunes on my 32MB mp3 player. My argument: Quality is more important than Quantity. I still stand by that today.

Maybe it’s the people waiting with me.
Every wait gives the possibility of new interactions with people I’ve never met before! At the same time my eyes scan the crowd for familiar faces of possible train buddies. 🙂

Maybe it’s the ability to be completely anti-social and get away with not being called “anti-social”. Because when you get to the office, they might just think you’re being moody or arrogant or something.

Or maybe it’s just the mind-numbing routine.
I don’t know, there’s something ethereal about it when you know this is a mind-numbing routing so you’re both there and not there at the same time. It’s also a good time to read, and re-read the signs and notices on the floor and walls, and fully enjoy being IN this situation of waiting.

Because once you get to your destination, you’re expected to do something more than wait.

Sometimes I stare at the tracks and imagine a crazy adventure of falling down and trying to climb onto the platform before the train arrives. Which makes me think I lack the basic instinct for self-preservation in all living things, like in the movie “The Happening“.

Oh and once I’m on the train, it’s a whole different adventure.

p/s: An interesting side effect of the 32MB player was that my subconscious mind knew what song was next and it felt like I had the power to see the future! In a very minute, insignificant way…

(I was going to post my little story up, about crocodiles and family, but it’s late afternoon and if you could hear my brain, you would hear a monotonous buzzzing. So somehow, this came out.)

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I am here

I’ve always traveled for specific duration, be it a holiday, a study experience, or work; there was always a set timeline, approximate or definite, of when I would return home.

I realize now that when that return trip is not in the plans, it becomes a little disorientating. Perhaps kinda like if life didn’t have an end, we might just roam around the Earth like headless chickens. Which isn’t good.

I had just taken a step in my life, which on hindsight, is probably a HUGE step, but I had never been one to cower away from change or new places/people. So I simply embraced it and the things I needed to do. I quit my old job and headed for an unknown future, which apart from being the tipping point of starting this blog, also triggered quite a few thoughts.

Thoughts about:

  • My family – While I was excited, saying goodbye at the airport was a teary and emotional affair, just like always. The time I spent with my family really brought me closer to them. While I felt that I’d been “filling up” on family experiences that I would miss while apart from them, I ended up cherishing the “now” of the experience more than the memory of it, and the pictures would always serve as a beautiful reminder. I wished I could stay in that phase forever, but I knew where I was heading and the financial stress of being unemployed was restricting us from fully enjoying our time together, I had to think about my career plans.
  • My ambitions – did I have any that I really wanted to stick to? I studied Marketing and Communications but have experiences in Finance, which has made me realize that I want to leave that industry and do something more tangible; and I wanted to write! Then I thought, maybe I’m just one of those who didn’t need a crazy career, because honestly, I was really sick of the political corporate scene. I’d be happy if I could just run my own little shop somewhere (a little more about this in another post), but my savings were depleting and a job would be just the thing I need right now.
  • My employability – the job search started off exciting but has become a little more urgent with the daily depletion of my savings. Reviewing my resume and comparing what experiences I have with the jobs that are out there is making me question my own capabilities and I’m worried that the longer I stay unemployed, the less employable I will be. Which is probably true and makes me realize how hard it must be for mothers coming back to work from maternity leave and realize the importance of labor laws in this area.
  • My time and life in general – it’s an odd feeling. Not having a certain routine, having financial concerns that needed to be actively worked out, yet at the same time, standing at the precipice of change and feeling that my next move might make or break things? I need to decide what I want to do with my life, will one decision close any doors, what if I get stuck in a dead end job, what if I become a jobless bum roaming the streets?!

But life isn’t made or broken so easily is it? Just as I found that being with my family gave me so much more than memories, it is a culmination of decisions that make our lives the way it is.

So despite the constant news of high unemployment rates, I will, just as I did when I graduated, keep my optimism and faith, keep exploring the things I am interested in. At least this time, I have a blog, something that gives me a semblance of a purpose, to create, to “work” and to explore.

Though let’s not digress, I can get any job I want, right?

p/s: also had an idea for a little story, will post that up soon!

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Life

Image

Hope and delight

Giggles, bottles and love

Baby’s bottom

 

Desires and needs

Learning, yearning and stomps

Schoolyard stories

 

Work and family

Advancement, building and trying

The search

 

Rest and relax

Empty nests, grandchildren and exercise

The golden years

 

Light and dark

Nature, release and the unknown

The last breath

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Just a Memory

It’s been days since we last spoke
Perhaps even years
A trickery of the senses
My eyes, my ears

We must have been happy
But in an instant it changed
What happened those last few seconds
The shouting and the pain

What was it like when we first met
How did we feel, what did we say?
Did it even happen?
Perhaps there was something written

Maybe I saved it
Somewhere somehow
Maybe they were
just dreams said out loud
Like wisps of a breeze
Floating around

If only I could turn back time
But that does us no good
I know, we’ve tried
Instead we need
To look ahead
And put aside
What is already
Behind

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