Tag Archives: romance

Just a Memory

It’s been days since we last spoke
Perhaps even years
A trickery of the senses
My eyes, my ears

We must have been happy
But in an instant it changed
What happened those last few seconds
The shouting and the pain

What was it like when we first met
How did we feel, what did we say?
Did it even happen?
Perhaps there was something written

Maybe I saved it
Somewhere somehow
Maybe they were
just dreams said out loud
Like wisps of a breeze
Floating around

If only I could turn back time
But that does us no good
I know, we’ve tried
Instead we need
To look ahead
And put aside
What is already

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(I think) I’m Trying

It’s not that I’m not trying
I’m trying to understand what I did
What I said that was wrong

I check our chat logs
I check my memory
They are flawed

But I still don’t see it
Maybe in the same way
You don’t see what you did wrong

You put me in a box
You labelled me
With things other people said
With things I told you in confidence
With things that happened just once
You don’t see me for who I am
It hurts
Because I thought you did

My feeble mind
Is filled with
How quick you are to anger
How quickly you jump to conclusions
How you judge me all the time
I guess I don’t know you too
I’m sorry
I thought I did

I’m not playing games
I just can’t get my mind
Around everything

We live in a world
By our own narratives
To our own analysis
By our fluctuating emotions
By the way we communicate
With the feelings that may be
Too difficult to grasp

I don’t understand
How can things be worked out
When we can never fully understand
What someone else is feeling
No matter how hard we try

But I’m trying

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Waking Up

Old school reunions have never been so fun nor have they ever been so troubling.

I flitted in and out of the conversation around me, subconsciously rolling the ring in my pocket between my thumb and forefinger. They were laughing and I smiled. Jean’s chatty personality hasn’t changed and Julia, her 5 year old girl, was a splitting image of her.

The crowd around Julia grew and the ladies giggled at everything Julia was saying while the men were entranced by her guile. I withdrew from the crowd and found a seat at a nearby table. The room was a little too cold, as usual. Shivering a little, I took the ring out and placed it on my finger. The silver band with a unique rectangular diamond embellishment, looking more like glass than diamond, felt warm against my cold skin.

I admired the contrast of silver and blue against my pale skin. The diamond was skillfully placed in a way I had never seen before which gave the illusion that the diamond and band were one. Matt likened it to the both of us. I liked the design, but more than that I liked the man who gave this to me. Would I like to spend the rest of my life with him was ironically the question that I also asked myself.

We were friends since college but after we started dating two years ago, it felt like there was a big part of Matt that I never knew. His temper, his ambition, his expectations. Small things yet big factors affecting our interactions with each other and even more so, our plans for the future. I fingered the ring and let out a soft sigh. Why did things have to be so complicated.

“Hey can you watch my stuff, I have to take Julia to the toilet” Jean chucked her bag on the seat beside me.
That jarred me from my thoughts and I hurriedly placed the ring back in my pocket “Yeah sure.”
“Mommy hurry…” Julia was already running ahead of Jean.
I returned my gaze to the table and my heart skipped a beat. There sitting right across from me, was Jeremy.

An unspoken bubble of words formed in my chest. Words I had kept inside since the first time I saw him, words that I didn’t have the courage to say the last time I saw him, during our graduation, 5 years ago. He hadn’t changed much from the charming man I remembered, except there were now signs of a receeding hairline at the front and just a little extra weight. He looked up and smiled before turning back to the conversation.

I smiled back, a little shy, a little indignant, that after all those years of high school, it was still the same now. My heart sank. He still didn’t notice me.

What did I expect? What was I waiting for? I realized then, that some things are best left in the past in order for us to move on with our lives, especially when it never existed to begin with.

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